Pickled Eggs and Justice

This hideous concoction is the type of food my good friend David Dripps eats. He looks like a male model who lifts weights. I on the other hand eat grass and leaves and look like Mae West on steroids.  Life is not fair. 

From Facebook:  April 8, 2017.  

David Dripps 

My new favorite treat.  I do not recommend chasing down a jar of this with Pabst Blue Ribbons and cabbage on the eve of a six hour car drive with work associates.

Like · Reply · 12 hrs · Edited

John Hubertz 

Dave, What I find bizarre is that you eat like a trash compacter and look like what Adonis would look like if his face wrapped all the way around to the back of his neck. You are a magnificent beast! 

I will however, get revenge upon you and your entire genetic line for this gross injustice.

The injustice is, that despite your weak and despicable genetic heritage, you are still a man among man - a man-mountain, a God of strength and courage.  This isn't right.  Dave, unlike the trash heap you call a family,  I come from good people.  I'm not descended from an unbroken line of boozers, losers, bar flies and weak-chinned girly men like you.

Yet still Dave, you are you, and I am me.  This is unacceptable.

Dave, I'm from strong Hoosier stock. We plow fields before breakfast and tear out stumps with our bare hands. Yet even though I eat like a California yoga instructor, I look like the sweaty fat lady at the county fair on a hot day in South Louisiana. 

It's a good thing that due to my genetics, my good luck and sheer power of my will that I will outlive your muscly ass by 30 years, because I'm looking forward to jumping up and down on your grave until my huge mass makes a crater for your headstone to fall into.

I'm then going to use raw gasoline from a 55 gallon drum to roast a feral hog in that giant hole in your grave, and share the dripping meat with every female relative you have. By radiating my natural animal magnetism they will become aroused to the point that they ovulate, I'll then line them up and impregnate each and every one of them with my fat sweaty man juice.

John Hubertz So there. Like I said, I'll be getting you back.