FSM, Pastalm XIII

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is my chef; I shall not want.

He maketh me to sit at full tables: he leadeth me beside the busy kitchens.

He restoreth my appetite: he leadeth me in the paths of excellent cuisine for his name's sake.

Arr; though I walk through the kitchen of the empty cupboards, I will fear no hunger: for thou art with me; thy noodles and thy meatballs they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my meal with sauce; my platter runneth over.

Surely flavor and deliciousness shall follow me all the minutes of my supper: and I will dwell in the dining room of the Flying Spaghetti Monster forever.

The title of this prayer is Pastalm XXIII, by  r/rhubarb (reddit).

 

 

About the Blogger:

John T. Lorax is a literary avatar, a pseudonymn, a way to lie in public, if you will.  Behind this thin veil of questionable morality is John Hubertz, husband of Judy, Father of Lori and Elizabeth, Stepfather to Ben and Sammie, Joe and Kesia.

Mike Benedict is the name of my best friend.

About the Blog:

The Swamp Prophets speak.  Call me the Lorax, the voice of history neglected, the forest and the trees.

Call me the Lorax.  There is no right or wrong in history, good or bad.

Choices do not matter

Call me the Lorax. I am the meaning and the truth.

There is no failure in history.  Just truth.

Oh sure, people lie and say "Things are bad, and getting worse!"  Well, I know the truth.  Our economic and social structure is healthy and vibrant, alive and free - but as with all good things, it changes all the time.

"The Only requirement for Prophecy is an adequate Knowledge of History and an Attention to Detail."  

Someone I admire said that a long while back, and this moment in the history of man's struggle to eat, drink and be merry sure proves her right.  You see, without the correct question, answers don't matter at all.

WBC Westboro
Baptist Church

Dateline:  December 18, 2012
Subject:  Westboro Baptist Church
For Immediate Release:

What could a person with a lot of money do to legally disrupt the Westboro Baptist church?

I saw that question on reddit the other day.   I know the answer to that question, and yes, it would take deep pockets, but I think you can get most or all of it back; and perhaps turn a profit.  Any Real Estate speculators out there in 'netland?

To legally disrupt and evict the Westboro Baptist Church, a relatively rich person could actually do what this blog post describes.  I do not believe this plan suggests immoral or illegal methods.  I'd estimate that when the dust settled you would have spent between $680K and $1M dollars US.  It is a rough guess, but I'll post my figures if requested.

Note - oddly, a lot of my business climate algorithms came out with a profit on this exercise.  It all depends on the market and if interest rates ever start to rise again.  If they do, this process should net about $400K profit in a three-year swing.  All of this is very much a guess, but an informed guess.

Executive Summary:

How can you within the law disrupt and eventually evict the Westboro Baptist Church?  Here's one way that is sure to work, and I bet a dollar to a donut that it would be relatively smooth sailing as far as time invested goes.


*********************************************************************************
Announce plans for a large, multi-use public building.  Be vague about the final purpose (Use Karl Rove's SuperPAC application as a guide). A few weeks later, with cooperation of nearby residents and business begin buying parcels of land and homes and business buildings (keep the leases or grandfather current residents in).  Let the property owners in on the joke, and have a side contract for a return sale to them for a 25% profit anytime they want.


File a petition (power of REDDIT?) to Westboro's city council and have them condemn the church as blocking a vital new facility. The church will fight back.


Plan of Action:                        

Make the entire circumference of the Church property into a construction zone. Begin moving 100 loads of gravel each Sunday and Wednesday into the "construction site". 50 loads in, 49 loads out.
*********************************************************************************
Eventually, the church will be condemned for public good, it will be paid for (not generously) by a contribution you make to the general fund.

*********************************************************************************
Turn the building and any properties that you now own free and clear into a youth center and GLBT tolerance museum, featuring our slain heroic men and women of all genders, and returning soldiers as primary exhibits.

*********************************************************************************
Then we all get to go to heaven, if it exists. If you aren't there when I arrive, I'm calling a cab.

Maybe we need to find the guy who owns this boat:

12/21/2012

Question:  What is the meaning of the 12/21/2012 end date of the Mayan Calendar:

Best response:  (from quora.com)

Robert Frost, engineer/instructor at NASA

245 votes by Abhilash Harpale, Andrew Warinner, Prince Srivastava, (more)

Why does the 18-month playful puppies calendar end on 31 July 2014?  Why does the Justin Bieber calendar end on 31 December 2013?

Quite simply, they ran out of space on the calendar.  We run out of space on our calender every December 31st.  It isn't a big deal.  We just start over the next day.  

The Mayan calendar is no different.  It is designed to optimize space by using a series of concentric circles that act like gears.  A full revolution of one circle is equivalent to a cog on the next circle.

The hierarchy works as follows:  a day -> 20 days -> 360 days -> 7200 days -> 144,000 days.  That last unit (144,000 days) is called a Baktun.  Their long count calendar is designed to equal 13 Baktuns.

There is absolutely no evidence to believe that the Mayans felt that 13 Baktuns from the initiation of the long count calendar would align with the end of the world.  They could have designed their calendar so that the Uinal (20 days) wheel was actually 30 days, like our month, in which case the calendar would last another 2000 years.  The number for each wheel was selected because it was a number of significance to them - not because it would work out so that the calendar ended when the world ended.

Any Mayans around today, still using their calendar, rather than celebrating the end of the world on December 21st, will be celebrating the start of a new long count calendar on December 22nd.

*************************************************************End of Original Article****************************************************************************

Mr. Obvious claims no originality in this post, but the original required a facebook log in to view it.  Quora, you get what you (don't) pay for - but I'm sorry; that policy is not a good one.

***************************  FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***********************

Dateline:  Here and Now

Subject:  Westboro Baptist Church

Reddit, What could a person with a lot of money do to legally disrupt the Westboro Baptist church?

A rich person could do the following:

**********************************************************

Announce plans for a large, multi-use public building.  Be vague about the final purpose (Use Karl Rove's SuperPAC application as a guide). A few weeks later, with cooperation of nearby residents and business begin buying parcels of land and homes and business buildings (keep the leases or grandfather current residents in).  Let the property owners in on the joke, and have a side contract for a return sale to them for a 25% profit anytime they want.

File a petition (power of REDDIT) to Westboro's city council and have them condemn the church as blocking a vital new facility. The church will fight back.

Action Plan:                             

Make the entire circumference of the Church property into a construction zone. Begin moving 100 loads of gravel each Sunday and Wednesday into the "construction site". 50 loads in, 49 loads out.

**************************************************************

Eventually, the church will be condemned for public good, it will be paid for (not generously) by a contribution you make to the general fund.

**************************************************************

Turn the building and any properties that you now own free and clear into a youth center and GLBT tolerance museum, featuring our slain heroic men and women of all genders, and returning soldiers as primary exhibits.

***************************************************************

Then we all get to go to heaven, if it exists. If you aren't there when I arrive, I'm calling a cab.

Maybe we need to find the guy who owns this boat:

Original thread is http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/150epb/what_is_something_that_somebody_with_a_lot_of/

*****************************/End of Release **************************

*Modpost* - Personal Information and You: Why Zero Tolerance Keeps us all Safer. by ImNotJesusin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1964 points 6 hours ago

If suddenly you feel the need,

To post your date of birth,

Your name or address, school or work,

Remember what it's worth:

The internet's a crazy place,

And though most on this site,

Are pretty awesome on the whole,

There's some not so alright.

You might annoy a cannibal,

Who steals your kids to roast.

I'm sure there's only one or two...

But think before you post.

"Welcome to Ford Heavy Truck" - by David Dripps

This post is the complete text of a letter I received from my friend David Dripps when I was transferred to Ford's Heavy Truck Parts and Service department in 1988.  It has truly stood the test of time.

John;

Here are some pointers that will help ease your transition into heavy truck:

• Throw out all your good suits.  Usually, slacks and a windbreaker are sufficient.  If you must wear a suit, buy a couple of blazers (large elbow patches desireable) right off the rack from JC Penney's or Wal-Mart.
• Ties should be more than 4" wide or less than 2".  They should be of a solid or plaid design.  Styles popular 10 years ago are ideal.  Under no circumstance should the length of the tie pass the navel.  String ties are only acceptable in Western regions and when  worn with jade jewelry.  Food spots should be removed annually, or every 10,000 miles.
• When you have to organize a group breakfast, a quart of coffee and three jelly rolls should be sufficient per person.
• Belt buckles should be at least 3 3/4" wide, but no more than 5" wide.
• Shirts should be of blend composite.  Only wear 100% cotton shirts if they are not pressed.
• Boots should have a moderate shine.  Brown leather or snakeskin are popular models.  Replace them when soles are 75% worn.
• The closer you can look and act like Atlanta Falcon's football coach Jerry Granville, the better.
• When chewing tobacco in the office, keep the mouth wad smaller than a golf ball.  It's okay to leave your spit cup on your desk but it should be dumped once it gets 75% full.  Do not use the same cup for more than 6 weeks without washing.
• Never spit on the floor of a customer's vehicle when in the vehicle with him.
• When eating, try to stick with finger-food entrees that derive at least 70% of their calories from fat.  Some popular items are onion rings, meat + three dinners, pork, fried clams, fried catfish, possum, grits, mac and cheese and of course, hush puppies.
• When drinking beer, never drink from a glass and avoid light beer.  Full calorie brands such as Pabst, Grain Belt and Gennessee Cream Ale are always acceptable.  Never drink wine.  At black tie functions try to stick with Kentucky bourbon or in a pinch, Jack Daniels.
• Never on a dare drink a quart of Tennessee 190 proof corn whiskey moonshine, smoke Chesterfield non-filter cigarettes and attempt to drive a class 8 rig over Berthoud Pass in Colorado (elev. 10,432 feet) while hauling 7,000 gallons of compressed propane gas.
• At least once in your life drive a class 8 rig over 100 mph - the rush is sensational.  Also, your owner operators will respect you more.
• When someone from marketing comes to you and says; "Damn it!  Why can't we get more into the longhaul business?  Could it be our trucks weigh too much?"  THIS IS A TRAP.  Do NOT say yes.  They do not want to hear that.  Instead say; "Shucks no!  Why if you just put on the optional aluminum wheels and aluminum gas tanks (at an additional $1800 per truck), you can get within 700 lbs of a Peterbilt.  Besides, who cares about weight when you're hauling 80,000 pounds of concrete.  You want the Damn Thing to hold up."
• It takes two men (or one man and two sissies) to install a Spicer clutch.
• When taking the CDL test on the last night of qualification, avoid saying loudly among a group of your regular trucker classmates; "That was the easiest test I've ever taken!  Only an idiot couldn't pass....  That was so easy I'm going to take the tanker truck test even though I've never even driven one."
• Check your messages even when on vacation.  When you've got a CLT 9000 down with a million dollars worth of frozen blood plasma and an inoperative Bendix compressor, you do not want to hear on the phone: "This is John, I will be returning in two weeks...."
• A Cummins will outpull a Cat any day.  Cats cost more to overhaul but they last longer.  Detroit Diesels are for sissies.
• On a similar note, never tell a fleet buyer; "You know, those old Detroits were probably the best engine ever built.  A real workhorse."
• Don't be afraid to sell.  Once you get your hands elbow-deep in a little 90 weight gear oil and spend a North Dakota afternoon in January at the service desk of an exclusive truck franchise with no ventilation, while they run the trucks inside with the door closed to keep out the chill, the fever will rush into your veins and you'll be able to sell anything comfortably.
• Don't ever tell a fleet buyer; "Why the hell should we change our air conditioning system?  A child could repair it.  Besides, one of the reasons we've kept the same system since 1979 is they are so reliable."
• Choose a masculine CB handle.  Avoid names like "Tinkerbell" or "Leather and Lace".  Names like "Big Stud" or "Stallion" are better.
• Be aware that some of the current service manager's advisory committee recommendations have been on the list since 1975.
• Don't refer to the big trucks as "L" models.  Instead, call them the "Louisville Line".
• When talking boxing, refer to Mohammed Ali as "Clay."  You must familiarize yourself with him, as since he and the L series both come from Louisville.
• The most honorable way a man can die is to be drug underneath a triple tandem axle Ford LTL 9000 dump truck carrying 80,000 pounds of coal.
• If "The Deuce" had never died (Henry Ford II), we'd still own the tractor division.
• If you find yourself laying on the bed in a customer's sleeper and you feel a lump in the mattress and stick your hand into a small slit in the side; don't be surprised if you find an old pair of briefs wrapped around a dried bowel movement.  Avoid mentioning this or making derogatory comments which might offend.  Also, practice maintaining your composure in the presence of pornographic literature, used condoms and other unsanitary articles before entering customer trucks.
• Those community showers at truck stops aren't all bad.
• When breaking the ice at a truck function, a good topic of conversation is how easily you can see down women's shirts when they pull up next to you.
• You want at least 855 cubic inches of stump pulling "Big Cam IV" he-man torque when speccing out trucks.  Remember, those new L-10s are for cost and safety conscious sissies.
• Flammable-shammable.  Explosive-shmosive.  Who cares about that mumbo jumbo?  Your job is to get it from point A to B as fast as possible.
• Always carry two log books.
• New Mexico will issue a CDL license with no points to anybody with a PO Box address.
• While at technical training do not raise your hand half way through the Caterpillar presentation and ask in a high-pitched voice; "What are we talking here, gas or diesel or what?"

Transcribed here and recorded for posterity by your humble servant, John E. Hubertz

This is Interesting

OK, so I'm sitting at the computer, researching a very curious rock I found yesterday at the beach.

Google, Google, Google, Wiki, Wiki, Home Refinance, Google, Google, AHA!

OK.  Off to the refrigerator.  Weak magnet, weak magnet, weak magnet, weak magnet (by now, paper is beginning to pile up at my feet like giant potato flakes), weak magnet, STRONG magnet.

OK.  Back we go to the computer, we pick up the little rock... Using the magnet!

AHA!

OK...  so it is probably a meteorite.

Google, Google, Google, read, read, read, images, images "HOT ADULT CHAT".

Grrr. "Are you sure you want to leave this page?" Grrr. Click Click. Google, Google, Google.

AHA!  Black Meteoric Glass with a nice Fused "Fingerprint" of regmaglypts.

Browse, Browse, Browse... hmmm  Ebay...  Browse, Browse, Browse... AHA! Browse, Browse,

I walked into the TV room and got my antique pharmacy scales.  I picked up the little scales and went back to the computer.  I glared down at the  smallest weight.  

Hmmm.  

I got up, went to the desk and got my magnifying glass to read the little numbers on the weights.  Still can't quite read the patent date... at all.
I remember being able to read all that just fine when I got them, in 1976.  Alrighty then.

"ping"  I dropped the little meteorite onto the scales.

OK.  1/4 oz in grams...  7.08... + 3 from the little slide.  Let's call it 10 grams.

Hmmm. (disappointment fills my heart)

I idly began to surf Ebay while holding my $5.00 meteorite...  Oh nice!  meteorite glass jewelry!  Faceted meteorite glass!  

Google, Google, Oh look at those BIG ones!

OK! I held my little guy up to the screen so he could hang one time with his big cousins... you know, just for kicks. I'm kind of anthropomorphic, you know. I don't hug trees... but I do sometimes hold lengthy conversations with them.

I guess you could call that "Earning my Check."

Imagine my surprise when without any fuss at all the biggest crystal on the screen just reached out and gently tugged the little meteorite out of my grasp.  

I thought to myself; "This is interesting."

With an odd little “pop” both the big and little meteorite vanished into the screen, and the little "broken image" symbol replaced the original picture.  

I sat and thought about that for maybe... five minutes. I then turned off my computer, and left the room. About ten minutes later I came back in, picked up my soda and unplugged the computer from the wall.

I noticed a sharp pain and realized that my fingertip and thumb that had been holding the meteorite had perfectly clean little slices neat as you please, and both had a little spot that was missing the fingerprint.  A little... shiny... spot.

Hmmm.

So anyway, I went on about my business.  A couple of days later I decided to pick up all the paper off the floor and put it back on the fridge.

On the third day the mail came, and there was a little crystalline envelope hand-addressed to me, very formal-like.

Mister John Edward Charles Hubertz
2816 Palisade Drive
Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA  46806-8523

(I thought the use of the full zip+4 was a nice touch, Kind of shows somebody cares, you know?)

When I touched the envelope, the flap slowly opened of its own accord.  The postmark was “Roswell, NM. 88201”

I slowly tipped the envelope over, and after a moment, two perfectly round little slices of fingerprint fell into my hand.  They melted into my skin like snowflakes.  Feeling an itch I looked at my thumb and forefinger and watched as my fingerprints grew back.

Hmmm.

So I put the little envelope in my file cabinet, and went back to my normal life.  The Title on the File?

“This is Interesting”