The Dude couldn't afford to drink White Russians in 2014

Being a drinking man with a solid academic background, I was perusing my bank statement and came to a somewhat 'sobering' revelation.

Jeff Bridges' character The Dude (Jeffrey Lebowski), continuously drinks white russians made with mid-grade to premium vodka and Kahlua, a trademark monopoly on a thick rum-laced sweet coffee blend.

During the movie the Dude consumes between 9 and 12 white Russians, made with a vodka-heavy blend of Kahlua coffee liqueur, 80 proof vodka and a medium cream known as Half and Half in the USA.

On January 20, 2014 the following prices were quoted during phone interviews with  a call center employee representing Wally's on Westwood (c'mon - a Call Center?) and a very competent young woman  at the Ralph's on Wayburn in Westwood.

Wally's (call center I think)  "Hello thank you for calling Wally's, celebrating 50 years!"  (I can hear this guy's TEETH he's smiling so hard on the phone).   He continues like some kind of emo parakeet;  "My name is Squeeze how may I help you?"

(Now first of all, I googled this liquor store).  Here it is:

Me: " I need a price on a 5th of vodka.  Not the cheap stuff - but not expensive either."
Squeeze:  "I've got a nice Jackoff Delight 750ML for $85 a bottle."

Me: "No no NO.  Man, I just need a decent vodka.  Something that won't eat through my glass."  "And man, is that a 5th or not?"

Squeeze:  "We have a bottle of Entitled Douche for only $75.50!  Do you want me to email you the yelp reviews??  Would that be OK?"

Me:  "Man, what is your CHEAPEST vodka?" 

Squeeze:  "Oh, that's Pieto - it's 21.99."

*end first act*

An uncomfortable pause ensued.  My world-view shattered, I knew not where to turn.  $21.99 for a 5th of the cheap stuff.  I began to envy my friends who had already died.

"Well, I whispered... how much is a bottle of Kahlua?"  Without even sounding uncomfortable he puked out the sound:  $32.50"

The young lady at Ralph's told me kindly that a double-pint of 'half and half' medium cream (on sale today!) for $2.99.  After 'Squeeze' I barely even flinched when she told me her name was Shantesa.  I'm glad she has a unique name because she deserves to be appreciated at her job at Ralph's on Wilshire.

This is Ralph's when it was built (1941).  Wouldn't you agree that Jeff Lebowski would shop there?  What a Southern California beauty.

Sadly she looks like this now - Ralph's Wilshire, 2014:

But hell, I don't look so good anymore either.  Neither does Jeff Bridges for that matter, but I still think he is an important actor and is leaving a real legacy.

Here's the numbers:

Bottle of 1/2 and 1/2, Ralph's on Wilshire Tuesday January 21, 2014:  $2.99

5th of Pietos vodka (the cheap stuff) at Wally's..  No, not JUST Wally's,  Wally's on Westwood Blvd:  $21.99.  Dude.  Kahlua?  An actually rational $32.50 vs the $90 for the same bottle on a cruise ship.

So anyway, now I'm home free.  Dude, let's do it.  Average number of drinks per 5th....  say 3 oz each.  8 drinks.  Who cares how much Kahlua I have?  Milk is cheap - even in half/half.  Dude.

You know the number - you TASTE the number .  $54 for liquor, 5 bucks for the half and half.  $59 per day - and that's just the basic fuel to keep the Dude alive.  But WAIT.

Dude drinks 12 drinks. That's 90 large for one day's beverages.  Truly this would be sad, if we thought of such things.  What we all really need to do is abide.

Fuck.


JH, Fort Wayne, Indiana, January 21 2014