"Welcome to Ford Heavy Truck" - by David Dripps

This post is the complete text of a letter I received from my friend David Dripps when I was transferred to Ford's Heavy Truck Parts and Service department in 1988.  It has truly stood the test of time.

John;

Here are some pointers that will help ease your transition into heavy truck:

• Throw out all your good suits.  Usually, slacks and a windbreaker are sufficient.  If you must wear a suit, buy a couple of blazers (large elbow patches desireable) right off the rack from JC Penney's or Wal-Mart.
• Ties should be more than 4" wide or less than 2".  They should be of a solid or plaid design.  Styles popular 10 years ago are ideal.  Under no circumstance should the length of the tie pass the navel.  String ties are only acceptable in Western regions and when  worn with jade jewelry.  Food spots should be removed annually, or every 10,000 miles.
• When you have to organize a group breakfast, a quart of coffee and three jelly rolls should be sufficient per person.
• Belt buckles should be at least 3 3/4" wide, but no more than 5" wide.
• Shirts should be of blend composite.  Only wear 100% cotton shirts if they are not pressed.
• Boots should have a moderate shine.  Brown leather or snakeskin are popular models.  Replace them when soles are 75% worn.
• The closer you can look and act like Atlanta Falcon's football coach Jerry Granville, the better.
• When chewing tobacco in the office, keep the mouth wad smaller than a golf ball.  It's okay to leave your spit cup on your desk but it should be dumped once it gets 75% full.  Do not use the same cup for more than 6 weeks without washing.
• Never spit on the floor of a customer's vehicle when in the vehicle with him.
• When eating, try to stick with finger-food entrees that derive at least 70% of their calories from fat.  Some popular items are onion rings, meat + three dinners, pork, fried clams, fried catfish, possum, grits, mac and cheese and of course, hush puppies.
• When drinking beer, never drink from a glass and avoid light beer.  Full calorie brands such as Pabst, Grain Belt and Gennessee Cream Ale are always acceptable.  Never drink wine.  At black tie functions try to stick with Kentucky bourbon or in a pinch, Jack Daniels.
• Never on a dare drink a quart of Tennessee 190 proof corn whiskey moonshine, smoke Chesterfield non-filter cigarettes and attempt to drive a class 8 rig over Berthoud Pass in Colorado (elev. 10,432 feet) while hauling 7,000 gallons of compressed propane gas.
• At least once in your life drive a class 8 rig over 100 mph - the rush is sensational.  Also, your owner operators will respect you more.
• When someone from marketing comes to you and says; "Damn it!  Why can't we get more into the longhaul business?  Could it be our trucks weigh too much?"  THIS IS A TRAP.  Do NOT say yes.  They do not want to hear that.  Instead say; "Shucks no!  Why if you just put on the optional aluminum wheels and aluminum gas tanks (at an additional $1800 per truck), you can get within 700 lbs of a Peterbilt.  Besides, who cares about weight when you're hauling 80,000 pounds of concrete.  You want the Damn Thing to hold up."
• It takes two men (or one man and two sissies) to install a Spicer clutch.
• When taking the CDL test on the last night of qualification, avoid saying loudly among a group of your regular trucker classmates; "That was the easiest test I've ever taken!  Only an idiot couldn't pass....  That was so easy I'm going to take the tanker truck test even though I've never even driven one."
• Check your messages even when on vacation.  When you've got a CLT 9000 down with a million dollars worth of frozen blood plasma and an inoperative Bendix compressor, you do not want to hear on the phone: "This is John, I will be returning in two weeks...."
• A Cummins will outpull a Cat any day.  Cats cost more to overhaul but they last longer.  Detroit Diesels are for sissies.
• On a similar note, never tell a fleet buyer; "You know, those old Detroits were probably the best engine ever built.  A real workhorse."
• Don't be afraid to sell.  Once you get your hands elbow-deep in a little 90 weight gear oil and spend a North Dakota afternoon in January at the service desk of an exclusive truck franchise with no ventilation, while they run the trucks inside with the door closed to keep out the chill, the fever will rush into your veins and you'll be able to sell anything comfortably.
• Don't ever tell a fleet buyer; "Why the hell should we change our air conditioning system?  A child could repair it.  Besides, one of the reasons we've kept the same system since 1979 is they are so reliable."
• Choose a masculine CB handle.  Avoid names like "Tinkerbell" or "Leather and Lace".  Names like "Big Stud" or "Stallion" are better.
• Be aware that some of the current service manager's advisory committee recommendations have been on the list since 1975.
• Don't refer to the big trucks as "L" models.  Instead, call them the "Louisville Line".
• When talking boxing, refer to Mohammed Ali as "Clay."  You must familiarize yourself with him, as since he and the L series both come from Louisville.
• The most honorable way a man can die is to be drug underneath a triple tandem axle Ford LTL 9000 dump truck carrying 80,000 pounds of coal.
• If "The Deuce" had never died (Henry Ford II), we'd still own the tractor division.
• If you find yourself laying on the bed in a customer's sleeper and you feel a lump in the mattress and stick your hand into a small slit in the side; don't be surprised if you find an old pair of briefs wrapped around a dried bowel movement.  Avoid mentioning this or making derogatory comments which might offend.  Also, practice maintaining your composure in the presence of pornographic literature, used condoms and other unsanitary articles before entering customer trucks.
• Those community showers at truck stops aren't all bad.
• When breaking the ice at a truck function, a good topic of conversation is how easily you can see down women's shirts when they pull up next to you.
• You want at least 855 cubic inches of stump pulling "Big Cam IV" he-man torque when speccing out trucks.  Remember, those new L-10s are for cost and safety conscious sissies.
• Flammable-shammable.  Explosive-shmosive.  Who cares about that mumbo jumbo?  Your job is to get it from point A to B as fast as possible.
• Always carry two log books.
• New Mexico will issue a CDL license with no points to anybody with a PO Box address.
• While at technical training do not raise your hand half way through the Caterpillar presentation and ask in a high-pitched voice; "What are we talking here, gas or diesel or what?"

Transcribed here and recorded for posterity by your humble servant, John E. Hubertz